Thursday, November 17, 2005

and the winner is...

After an irritating day in which I seal millions of envelopes and get told condescendingly that Firefox is a browser, there's nothing I like more than posting the results of the second-ever jamelah.net contest. In order to go about the process of choosing a winning entry in an official and proper way, I enlisted the help of an independent judge. My independent judge (IJ) prefers to remain anonymous, but that's probably best when you're judging big, important contests that people get emotionally (and perhaps financially) invested in to the point that unpopular judgments could cause someone to go missing.

Ahem.

So, without further ado, the independent judge judged thusly:

Morning Sickness (or, A Rumination on Pants, Abridged Version Take 2)
by Caryn

Today I woke up so early that I feel nauseous. You know ... when you wake up so early that you've barely had time to think "ahh ... now I'm just getting to sleep" -- then you wake up. At 4am. Well, ok ... you wake up at 3:56am and go back to sleep, thinking those 4 minutes are really going to make the difference. What? You've never done this? Ah, well ... I certainly don't recommend it. Of course, I may have brought some of this on myself, as I am prone to do. Ok, so I woke up at 4am ... after not getting to bed until 12:15. I'm starting to think I should have just skipped the sleeping -- why kid myself? I could have gone to bed early, I suppose. But I had to stay up to hem the pair of pants I just bought, that I'm now wearing today. I could say it was because I didn't have time to get them professionally altered -- which I didn't since I just bought them last night. The truth is I don't have the wherewithal to actually take them to a tailor, nor would I spend the money. Now, in the light of day (the sun also rises -- two hours after I do), I'm realizing that maybe I hemmed them just slightly too short. Just barely enough that I'm wondering if I should have just stuck with the same old plain black pants that I know fit correctly. Old reliable. Reliables? Are you allowed to just say "pant" instead of "pants"? I think Stacy London does this on "What Not to Wear" but she apparently knows what she's doing and I ... well I'm stuck hemming my own pants at midnight (not a euphemism). Not that anyone would notice, of course... well except for now I'm obsessing about it and it's very likely that I'll just start calling attention to the fact that not only did I hem my own pants, but I did it late at night and made them slightly too short. Pants. I realize I'm making too much out of such a small thing that no one else is likely to notice. Except me. Well, and you, now, since I've let you in on it. But by the time you read this I probably won't even be wearing these pants, or even be wearing pants at all. That's really none of your business, though. So I woke up so early that I feel like vomiting and my pants are just a smidge too short because I hemmed them myself. At midnight. Still, like I said, it's not like anyone's going to notice this except me -- and you. Oh ... and all the bitches at the office, who don't have to worry about things like hemming their own pants at midnight or hemming their pants at all because they have it all so together that they buy their pants at some fancy pants shop and have them professionally tailored. Of course they don't have other things to think about other than shopping for pants and coming into work to act like important, yet clueless, hipster fashion dolls. And I'm quite certain they're not single moms with after school activities to deal with, and psychomaniac cats to worry about nor do they have to commute five fucking hours to work this morning. But if they want to notice my pants, they're going to have to catch me first. Or something. I'm sure you're thinking that no one is going to notice my pants at all, let alone the fact that they've been hemmed 1/10th of an inch too short. After all, I'll be sitting at my desk with my pants cuffs mostly out of sight for much of the day -- so how could they notice? You might just say "who really cares about your stupid pants anyway?" But that's where you're wrong. Dead wrong. Besides... they'd better notice my pants, because I just got them and they are pretty snazzy pants. And I stayed up late to hem them. Just slightly too short -- and really, who's going to notice?

The independent judge had this to say about his (or her... I'm not telling!) choice for a winning entry:

I'm pretty sure that "pants" is the funniest word in the English language, and it just gets funnier with repeated use. Pants pants pants pants. Also, "hemming my own pants at midnight" may not have been a euphemism, but I think it needs to become one, so you should consider that, somehow. Or maybe I'll just start saying "I was hemming my own pants at midnight, if you know what I mean."

The independent judge swears he (or she) wasn't drinking when he (or she) made that comment about the euphemism, but you never can tell with that one, which is all I'm going to say about him (or her).

Many thanks to all who entered and entertained my independent judge (and me, for that matter) with your contest entries. Thanks also for the picture of Chris Cornell (sent in by Lisa), which I thought was quite lovely, but the independent judge said "Chris Cornell is so over. Have you even listened to Audioslave?" and, well, independent judges. What can you do?

Tomorrow, I guess theblog updating goes back to being my responsibility, but that's okay, because I've been busy working on some things so I have stuff to show you! Yeehaw!

And for now, peace out.