Wednesday, August 31, 2005

dear victoria's secret, thank you for everything. love, jamelah

Despite the fact that my hair has been doing this really awesome Rita Hayworth-type thing since I got up this morning, today was not turning out well. I said to Caryn at least twice that I was either going to have to go into hiding to get all the icky people away from me or I was going to have to go on a killing spree (this is a paraphrase). But then I checked the mail, and noticed that I had the brand new Victoria's Secret catalog, complete with my annual birthday coupon that I can never redeem because I cut up my VS credit card as soon as I received it because store credit cards are the devil.

Anyway, I love the Victoria's Secret catalog because it is always highly entertaining, and I like to talk back to it while I flip through its pages. Without fail, I say "Yeah, right" "You must be kidding" and "That is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen" while browsing its contents. But each catalog is its own experience, too, so I thought that I would share with you some of the observations I made while perusing the Victoria's Secret Fall Casual 2005 catalog.

1. Do you IPEX?
No. No I do not. I don't care what anybody says, I still think it's all ridiculous. One person once described the IPEX to me like so "It's like sending your boobs on vacation" and that wasn't really a selling point for me. Because if my boobs get to go on vacation, they'd better take the rest of me along with them. Bitches.

2. R U WORTH MY SECRET?
So ask the gold studs on a green t-shirt pictured on page 58. My only reply when seeing it was, "He never is, dear."

3. UGG
Make it stop.

4. JLO^TM by Jennifer Lopez
The catalog tells me that these pieces are part street, part chic, but let's not forget that they are all trashy whore.

5. Introducing VS Uplift^TM
What? "3 of your favorite fits, now with a revolutionary advancement in jean technology that does for your rear what push-up bras do for your bust: lifts, firms & shapes." (Emphasis added.) A REVOLUTIONARY ADVANCEMENT IN JEAN TECHNOLOGY? Is it just me, or is Victoria's Secret insane? There's such a thing as jean technology? Do you have to go to engineering school to design jeans? Really? I don't get it. Fortunately, they have included some bullet points on the catalog page, and I would like to discuss them with you now. Okay.

Built-in back panel lifts from the inside, yet is completely invisible from the outside -- This sounds so horrifying that words fail me.

Carefully engineered seams contour and shape -- What they forget to add is that if you are at all larger than the model in the picture, these carefully engineered seams will just give you a raging case of camel toe.

Revolutionary knit fabric gently firms your silhouette -- So Victoria's Secret is now selling girdles masquerading as jeans. And as we all know, girdles are DEAD SEXY. I just can't wait for the day they introduce their ultra-hot line of granny panties, and I know you can't either.

Who feels enlightened? Me too. Me too.