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Sunday, May 08, 2005

my mom: a tribute
Ten minutes ago, I decided I was going to write this, and I'm still not sure what exactly to say. This is not because there's nothing to choose from, rather, I have so many different angles I could pursue that I'm having a hard time picking one and running with it. But then, why pick? Today is Mother's Day, and I have a fabulous mom, so it's only fitting that I praise her like I should.* Here's the story:

Being the only child of a single mother means that the way I've experienced family has been as a team. We're a unit, my mom and I, going through life together. (Still, though I promise someday I'll get a job that will afford me the fabulous opportunity of paying my own rent and will get out of her hair.) And we've been through a lot, but with characteristic family wit, we've made it. There have been tough times (like when we had to eat a lot of macaroni & cheese because it was 33 cents a box) and better times, but no matter the circumstances, we have definitely been a team (maybe like an 80/20 team, but still).

One of the things that I've been grateful for is the fact that my mom has always been honest with me. And as I've gotten older, I've realized (and learned to respect) her bravery. From her, I've learned to call things what they are, even if it hurts to do so. I've learned that it's better to go without than to compromise my integrity in any way. I've learned that it's better to tell the truth and face the consquences now instead of lie and face worse consequences later. And I've learned that it's okay to cry, but in everything, there's a reason to laugh.

My mother is the first person I go to when I'm confused, scared, angry, giddy, or bowled over with ridiculous all-consuming glee. It took awhile to get to this point, but I can say with all honesty now that there's nothing I don't tell her (or haven't ended up confessing). Yes, even the most cringe-worthy stuff is open. I've often heard that we have a weird relationship. Not weird in a bad way, but weird because it's so straightforward. But I guess that since there's just the two of us, there's little point in keeping secrets.

Even though I can't flip a pancake without breaking it and getting batter all over the stove (and I think that if I can't do it by now, I'm probably never going to be able to), my mother has taught me all sorts of important things. The greatest gift she's ever given me, though, is something I hardly ever talk about and have never written about here. This is partly because I'm too busy writing about things like Victoria's Secret bras, and partly because I've struggled with it for such a long time and haven't known how to express it. But any tribute to my mother would be incomplete without mentioning it, so now is the part of this post where we're actually getting down to business.

The best thing my mother has ever done for me is to instill in me an inescapable faith in God. I've spent a good portion of my life resenting this and wishing that belief in God wasn't as natural to me as breathing, because there have been many times that I've wanted to be free from belief. But it doesn't seem possible for me to do that, since I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. And it's only been in the past year that I've truly come to appreciate the fact that this faith is my heritage, my legacy from my mother, the most important and meaningful gift she could ever possibly give me.

When I was born, I was two months premature at a time when being that premature was a death sentence. Instead of accepting the bad news, my mother (who was having her own faith struggle at the time) prayed to God that if he would let me live, she would dedicate me to him and raise me to be a woman of faith. As a sign of her promise, she named me Faith (it's my middle name). I lived, and she followed through on her promise.

My mother has a degree in theology, and she's a bit of a smartypants, so whereas other people often talk about what they did that day, our dinnertime conversation often revolves around complex theological concepts. And it's like family fun time when we have to break out the concordances and Biblical encyclopedias. Because no, seriously. It is fun. Yeah, our awesomeness is indisputable, but we're also kind of nerdy.

My mother has given me the right to go my own way, to be angry at God, to fight against my faith, to quit going to church, to ask questions and say that the answers are stupid (among other things), but she's also always been loving and fair and willing to talk honestly (and without condemnation) when I've become ready. Because instead of ramming her faith down my throat, she wanted me to have my own. It's taken me a long time to be able to appreciate how cool that is of her, but really it's pretty amazing. And brave. And I love her for it.

So, thank you, Mom. I know I've been a tough case to deal with a lot of the time, and I don't say it nearly enough, but I think you're one of the best people on the planet, and I'm so glad to have you on my team. Happy Mother's Day. I love you.






*Or like I shou-uuu-uuu-uuuuu-uld. If you want to get technical about it.





posted by jamelah
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