jamelah.net

Friday, April 22, 2005

jamelah: the exclusiver interview
I decided that with all of this interview madness going around (because trust me, there is madness, and it has to do with interviews), it was a good time for me to interview myself. Because I have a lot of things to ask me about, um, things.

Onward.

Q: Jamelah, it's a real honor to be able to talk to you today. I'm a really big fan.
A: Thanks, Jamelah. It's nice to know that people care. But can we get to the questions? I'm a busy person.
Q: Yes, of course. Okay. First of all, and I think you knew this was coming, when are you going to get married?
A: You know, Madonna once sang that life is a mystery, and everyone must stand alone. Such genius, no?
Q: I'll ask the questions, here.
A: Right. Anyway, as I was saying, It's a little weird, because life, you know. It's a mystery. And I, like everyone, must stand alone.
Q: What does that have to do with anything?
A: I think that obviously, you're not very in touch with yourself. Because if you were --
Q: Are you talking about The Divinyls?
A: Um.
Q: Right. So, let's change the subject a little bit, okay?
A: Yes.
Q: What are your thoughts on the new pope?
A: Well, since I'm not Catholic, I don't actually have any thoughts on the new pope.
Q: Figures. Do you have any thoughts on anything?
A: Sure.
Q: What are they?
A: Actually, I was just thinking about this lemon cake I used to make for potlucks and family dinners and that sort of thing. The secret to it is the glaze, because it sinks into the cake and makes it really, really good. Although it's a little rich. I should make that again sometime.
Q: It is a very good cake.
A: That wasn't a question, but I know.
Q: Okay. Speaking of food, what's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?
A: Fried dandelions. It's not as bad as it sounds.
Q: You've been saying for years that you have some exciting plans for total world domination. Would you talk about those a bit?
A: I'm not actually at liberty to share my plans, which I'm sure you understand, but I will say that I'm getting ready to rearrange the furniture in my evil lair, and it's going to look totally fantastic.
Q: Are you getting into feng shui, or something?
A: (laughs) No.
Q: You won't give any insight into what the people can expect from you?
A: I can't say much, but I think everyone can look forward to mandatory naptime.
Q: Sounds good.
A: Oh, it will be.
Q: Don't interrupt me.
A: Sorry.
Q: Anyway, as someone who will eventually rule the entire world with an iron fist, you must have a very important method of making decisions. What is it?
A: Well, I'm glad you asked. See, first, I like to wait a little while to weigh my options. And sometimes I'll make a list of pros and cons to see what looks better after logical evaluation. Then I usually lie on the floor or my bed or a couch and stare at the ceiling for, oh, hours. This is a very important step, because it provides clarity. After doing all these things, I typically consult my most trusted advisor.
Q: Who's that?
A: My magic 8 ball.
Q: Oh. And?
A: Once my magic 8 ball tells me what I want to hear, I feel secure with my decision.
Q: Was this always your process?
A: No, I used to ask other people what they thought, but I discovered after awhile that their opinions are untrustworthy, because they often don't agree with me.
Q: Interesting. What do you do to relieve stress?
A: I yell at inanimate objects and throw pens. I also like to go for long drives in the country and listen to really loud, mostly obnoxious music. I think it's soothing.
Q: Let's try to wrap this up for you, because I know you have to get ready to go to work. What's your biggest fear?
A: Being hacked to bits by an ax-wielding psychopath and tossed into a dumpster. I'm also really afraid of spiders.
Q: Spiders are scary. Okay. What's your deepest, darkest secret?
A: I don't have one. My life is an open book.
Q: Are you lying?
A: Of course I am. But if I told you my deepest, darkest secret, it wouldn't be secret anymore.
Q: That's the point. It's part of the healing process. What is it?
A: Okay, okay. I own a Backstreet Boys album, and no, I'm not proud of this.
Q: Wow. Um, anything else you'd like to add?
A: No, not really.
Q: Really?
A: Let me check. Yep, I've got nothin'.





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