Friday, March 04, 2005

fame and fortune*

You know you've hit the big time when you get e-mail from Julia Roberts:

spammed by Julia Roberts!

Whoa. I mean, whoa. First of all, I didn't even know that Julia Roberts knew me, let alone the fact that she's telling me that this Mr. Echols person has $871,156 waiting for me. This is most fortuitous timing, because I have student loans to repay and I could really use that $871,156 right about now. Yep, I could repay the ol' loans, get a car whose steering wheel doesn't squeak like an angry gerbil when it's cold outside and I engage in the common driving activity called "turning", and, I don't know, vacation in Fiji, or something. Even after taxes. Right on.

Naturally, I had to read this e-mail to find out how my pal Julia planned to get me to meet this mysterious Mr. Echols so that I could claim every single one of those eight hundred seventy one thousand, one hundred fifty six dollars that he has sitting around with nothing better to do than to wait for me. Being the humble, appreciative sort that I am, I have to say that it's really very lovely for all of that money to wait for me until the timing's right, because you know, me and the money, baby, we don't want to move too fast.

Anyway, okay, so had to read the e-mail. And that's when I found that there's something mighty suspicious going on here. Yes, please observe Exhibit B:

or is it Megan Gilmore?

Yeah. Megan Gilmore? What? Mortgage application? Huh? I don't own a house! Actually, I don't really own anything, except a lot of highly impractical shoes, and an iPod. In the words of Marvin Gaye, what's going on? And Megan Gilmore, you know what? Approving my mortgage application is NOT the same as giving me money for no apparent reason other than the fact that, well, why not give me money? And $500,000 is NOT the same as $871,156. Even I know that, and I suck at math.

Right, so, needless to say, by this point in my e-mail investigation, I was feeling a little bit, oh, what's the word I'm looking for here? Shafted? Yes, that's it. Thanks.

And by the way, Megan Gilmore is not Julia Roberts. I say this because I went to college with a girl named Megan Gilmore, and we hung out a little bit during both my freshman and senior years, and I liked her and all, but she's not the highest paid female actress in Hollywood or anything. As my friend Jason (who has apparently disappeared off the face of the earth) would say on occasion, I was born in the morning, but it wasn't yesterday morning. Except he would use expletives, and I was born at night. But whatever. Details.

Anyway, there you have it. E-mailed by not-really-Julia-Roberts about the not-really-$871,156 that (and I'm just assuming) the not-really-Mr.-Echols had not-really-waiting-for-me.

Curses. Foiled again.

*Yes, I know it's spam, but sometimes I like to feign indignation about stupid things because, well, I'm silly that way.