jamelah.net

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

the thing about tampons (a.k.a. if you're a guy you should probably just stop reading now)
I've been meaning to write about this for a few weeks now, but I kept forgetting until I had this conversation last night. So anyway, here it is: my thoughts about Tampax Pearl.

I was always a Playtex girl, because environmentally conscious as I may endeavor to be, I just can't deal with cardboard applicators. But then Tampax came out with Tampax Pearl, complete with pearlized plastic, that is, as far as I can tell, the same as regular plastic, except shinier. I was resistant to the Tampax Pearl for quite some time, I think partially because they had this commercial about a girl who was wearing white jeans at a party, who somehow managed to drop her precious Tampax Pearl tampon out of the window of the bathroom, but managed to retrieve it by sticking a bunch of the host's pads together. And really, I don't care how great your tampons are supposed to be, you just don't wear white jeans. Actually, I don't think anyone should wear white jeans anyway, but that's a different thought for a different post that I will probably never write.

Anyway, I finally succumbed to the Tampax Pearl demon one day when I was at the store and it was the only choice I had. Upon doing so, I discovered that they really weren't that bad, and I made the switch. But here's the thing -- the Multipax (because yes, they spell it with an x), while nice in that there is an absorbency variety to suit my changing needs, actually packages way too many of one kind of tampon and not enough of another kind of tampon, so by a certain point last year, I had nine partially-used boxes of tampons in the cabinet in my bathroom. Nine. I think you may agree with me that this number is a bit excessive. So I did what any closet neat freak would do (I'm a closet neat freak in that I generally hide it really well, but it always comes out to get me eventually). Yes, I organized them. Right, so although I now have no boxes of tampons, I have four quart-size storage bags full of them, which is still excessive, but whatever. It's an improvement, I guess.

But okay, even though I have roughly a million of these insidious tampons, I just want to say that I think the Tampax Pearl slogan is totally wrong. You do know what the slogan is, right? No? Well, it is (wait for it).... "As extraordinary as you are!"

Yes. As extraordinary as you are. As extraordinary as you are. A tampon. As extraordinary --

Okay. Really. When I think of things that are extraordinary, I think of things with a certain... je ne sais quoi... but on the hypothetical table of tampon attributes, I don't typically put an X in the "extraordinary" column. Because, well, let's be honest here -- it's cotton on a string. Absorbent? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. Extraordinary? Not so much. I mean, if in a pinch, you could theoretically MacGyver a tampon out of cotton balls and a shoelace, so I don't really get what's so special about them. In fact, I don't know if I even want the word "extraordinary" to be associated with my feminine hygiene products at all. Seriously. While I can think of all sorts of reasons that I am extraordinary, I don't particularly feel comfortable with tampons that share those attributes with me. You know, because when I'm going somewhere, I don't need help with swearing at other drivers and singing along badly with the radio. And I don't need a frickin' tampon stealing my thunder.

Honestly, I have enough trouble with thunder proprietary issues as it is.





posted by jamelah
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