jamelah.net

Sunday, December 05, 2004

What's in your wallet?
Have you seen the Capital One commercials where some person is making a trivial purchase and says, "I'll put it on the credit card," only to unleash the fury of a group of vikings who are apparently highly upset about credit, and the only thing that can stop them is usage of a Capital One card, because it has really good rates? And then some viking (or maybe it's a visigoth), who had previously been intent on burning down entire villages and eating chicken with their bare hands, only to be foiled by the great Capital One rates, snarls, "What's in your wallet?" in a vaguely Scottish accent directly into the camera?

May I be so bold as to ask what the hell is up with these? I mean, seriously.

Seriously.

Now, as someone who has a bunch of student loans and was also unemployed for awhile and did all of her living off of her credit card for a number of months, I understand debt. And maybe my, ahem, overly optimistic nature prevents me from feeling as though I am under siege by a band of disgruntled medieval warriors in need of a bath, I don't know. But what I do know is that these commercials invoke my ire, and therefore, it is time to write about the ways in which they are so frustratingly stupid. Let us begin.

So frustratingly stupid reason #1: Okay, so, imagine a couple, shopping together. The couple has been through the store and has picked out at least one item for purchase. As the two of them stand at the checkout, the woman expresses some concern over how they will pay for aforementioned item, and the man says, "I'll put it on the credit card." So right away, we see that our two main characters are idiots, because really, if you're worried about how you're going to pay for something minutes before actually having to pay for it, then maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't be buying it. Just a tip from me to you.

So frustratingly stupid reason #2: Upon hearing that the purchase will go on the credit card, the woman says, almost in a resigned sort of way, "But those rates." This, of course, unleashes the vikings, but one thing at a time, here. Maybe I travel in the wrong circles, but I have never once in the entire history of my life, heard someone complain about interest rates at the moment of purchase. (Except she doesn't really complain, she just bemoans the rates in a kind of passive-aggressive way, sort of like staking her claim to "I told you so" when the credit card bill arrives in the mail.) I say, either take responsibility for the fact that you thought it was such a great idea to get Aunt Ida that set of spatulas for Christmas, or keep your damn mouth shut, because you know, deep down, that you still think it's such a great idea to get Aunt Ida that set of spatulas for Christmas. You do.

So frustratingly stupid reason #3: THE VIKINGS ARE COMING! Now really, maybe I just shop in the wrong stores, but I've never seen a (troop? band? group? gaggle?) bunch of vikings running through Marshall Field's. For this, I am truly heartbroken, but I suppose I can be soothed by the fact that I see groups of marauding rednecks all the time. See, the thing is, I have so many questions about these vikings. Who are they? Why are they so angry about credit? Are they really not angry about credit, but instead working as mercenaries, hired by some jerk who thinks that people who make ill-advised credit card purchases need to be attacked violently, by vikings? Where is their secret lair, and how do they know when to come out, running and yelling and swinging weapons, desperate to wreak vengeance upon idiot shoppers? Does someone call their leader up on a cell phone and say "Dumbasses in Target! Hurry!"? These are things I just need to know. Anyway, I realize that the vikings are supposedly symbolic of high interest rates and the logical succession of debt, shame and homelessness, but really, couldn't they get someone better? Like ninjas? As we all know, ninjas have real ultimate power, and I'd prefer to have my bad shopping choices associated with getting my ass kicked by a ninja, because ninjas are awesome, and by awesome, I mean totally sweet. (And no, I'm never going to get tired of that website, ever.)

So frustratingly stupid reason #4: After the vikings have been set free from their lair of rage and superior credit, and they've run through the streets, screaming and scaring innocent bystanders who shop using cash or checks, they are halted in their tracks when the guy says (and I'm probably paraphrasing), "Don't worry, I'm putting it on the Capital One card." They collectively utter a sigh of frustration, stopped once again by that damned Capital One. Granted, I don't personally know any angry vikings, but I get the impression that once they're ready for battle, they're not just going to back down because you're using a good credit card. I think vikings are of the type that would just kill you anyway, because they put on their good fightin' pants, and they can't just go out somewhere in their good fightin' pants without, you know, killing someone. Because that would be a waste.

So frustratingly stupid reason #5: What's in your wallet? As I've said before, the guy says this in a vaguely Scottish accent, and maybe I just don't get it -- maybe vikings were really from Scotland -- but weren't vikings, um, not Scottish? Of course, maybe they're not vikings. Maybe they're disgruntled, leftover extras from Braveheart, except without the blue paint. Anyway, identity-crisis-viking-type, you want to know what's in my wallet? I'll tell you: my driver's license (with the photo taken on the day my hair was big enough to attack Michigan), receipts, movie ticket stubs, business cards, a checkbook, an ATM card (which is little more than a laughably useless formality, since it's attached to my bank account), and about $3.64 in assorted change. Thanks for your interest.

Anyway, I really just don't get how commercials this obviously horrible end up on television. Couldn't the advertising people think of something scarier than vikings? Something like, oh, locking those who make bad credit card purchases up in a room and forcing them to listen to "Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money on repeat? The idea of something like that scares the hell out of me, that's for sure. ("Beeeee my little bay-beeeeeee." Shudder.) In short, watching these commercials has set my resolve never to have a Capital One credit card. Bring on the vikings.





posted by jamelah
link to this post