jamelah.net

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

happy holidays...

being the self-proclaimed pop culture icon that i am, i feel that it is up to me to tell other people what is cool. it's part of the job, along with saying "no autographs, please" and wearing sunglasses a lot.

anyway, as you should know, monday was groundhog day. this is, without a doubt, a very very important holiday, because it is the day when normal people depend upon a small, furry woodland creature to see (or not see) its shadow, thereby telling them how much longer winter will last. and let's be honest for a moment -- without the groundhog and his proverbial shadow, nobody would be able to figure out that winter will probably be coming to an end by the middle of march.* can arbor day help us predict the future? i don't think so.

anyway, the importance of the groundhog got me to thinking about traditional holiday celebration methods. i mean, although we've gotten the major ones figured out (christmas: spend lots of money on crap they're just going to return anyway, valentine's day: make single people feel insignificant, st. patrick's day: drink copious amounts of frothy beer and kiss irish people, easter: coat yourself in a thin chocolate shell and eat ham, etc.) there are lots of other holidays that we're not taking full advantage of, and it's time to change that. yes. so, being the pop culture icon that i am, i have come up with a few suggestions for proper celebration of actual holidays that appear on my calendar. this way, we can indeed party all the time.

ok then:

january: epiphany -- i don't really think it's necessary for me to explain why, on this day, you need to drop acid, write unquestionably horrible poetry and call your friends to explain how you just figured out the meaning of life.

february: groundhog day -- well it's completely obvious that you have to spend at least part of this day watching the movie and then humming "i got you babe" to yourself. other than that, i suggest setting something on fire, in order to celebrate warmth.

march: canberra day (australia) -- i don't think it's a secret that i love australia. as such, i believe it's time that americans begin celebrating this holiday. now, i know absolutely nothing about what this holiday is for, nor do i know how australians typically celebrate it (though i know this one australian guy and i bet he drinks a lot of beer), but to have true australian spirit, you should rent movies starring russell crowe, listen to the bee gees, and drink foster's. also, don't talk to any actual australians about engaging in any of these activities, because then they might kick your ass.

april: earth day -- make yourself a necklace out of yarn and raw macaroni noodles, because somehow, this is just like recycling.

may: national day of prayer -- now, even though i was born and raised in michigan, i come from a southern pentecostal religious background. that's because my family is neat. and while catholics complain all the time about how catholicism screws them up, it's hard for me to be sympathetic because liturgy can't compete with holy rollin' and bible thumpin'. it might try, but it just can't win. yeah, so anyway, i wanted to say that as someone with a southern pentecostal background, i know the perfect way to celebrate this day: annoint someone with oil (you do this by dabbing it on the person's forehead with your thumb, not by dumping it on them) and say "be HEALED in the name of JESUS!!!" i guarantee, you will be a hit at parties.

june: flag day -- this is a day to be a true american. so, what you need to do is drive a gigantic vehicle to a foreign restaurant, talk really loud, and complain about the fact that everything on the menu has a funny name.

july: canada day -- i dunno... play hockey or eat some canadian bacon or something. also, you should buy some cheap canadian pharmaceuticals. if you're really brave, listen to anne murray.

august: summer bank holiday (UK) -- i don't really know what bank holidays are all about, but i suggest spending a lot of money. preferably on me.

september: patriot day jamelah's birthday -- terrorism is bad and i'm not trying to make light of it, however, i think that when it comes down to all possible ways to spend this day, the best one has got to be buying me drinks and then convincing me that i'm a really good dancer. if you don't live close enough to buy me drinks and convince me that i'm a really good dancer, then you should call me on the phone and tell me why you love me, only to have me interrupt you with my tone-deaf rendition of tennessee ernie ford's "sixteen tons".

october: mother-in-law day -- i don't have a mother-in-law, but from what i can tell, this day is for making someone resent you.

november: election day -- even though i have never actually been poked in the eye with a sharp stick, i figure that would be a lot more fun than talking about politics. that's not to say i don't have my own political beliefs. i do. and i do a lot of reading because it's important to me to be an informed member of society so that when this day rolls around, i can make conscious, intelligent choices, which more people should think about doing, but i think i'm going off on a tangential rant. so let me just tell you that you better vote. and then, yes, it's okay if you drink heavily and weep quietly because you know the apocalypse is nigh.

december: immaculate conception -- even if you're a guy, on this day, you're obligated to call someone you've never had, um, relations with, cry, tell them you're pregnant and it's all their fault. for obvious reasons, it's best to call a girl.


*the middle of march. right. unless you live in michigan, in which case, winter doesn't end until the middle of may.





posted by jamelah
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