Friday, January 02, 2004

what comes after kung pao chicken, or my predictions for this year

i eat a lot of chinese food. and though i'm pretty sure that the stuff served in chinese restaurants is as authentically chinese as the entire taco bell menu is authentically mexican, i don't really care because i'm only in it for the fortune cookies. this is probably very similar to the way she works hard for the money, works hard for it honey, et cetera et cetera. of course, that's just speculation on my part; she might really enjoy her job.

all pop music tangents aside, i do have a point. the point is that fortune cookies, while being neither particularly delicious nor life-sustaining, are rather entertaining, for they provide predictions for the future that are only exceeded in reliability by the plastic oracle magic 8 ball. therefore, knowing (as i do) that what the fortune cookies tell me is irrevocably true, i pay a lot of attention to what they have to say. yep.

recently, two very interesting fortune cookie fortunes became a part of my life, and if you don't mind, i'm going to spend some time analyzing them. if you do mind, um, sorry. anyway, down to business:

Fortune A: There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you.

yes, i know. upon receiving a fortune such as this, it's difficult to restrain the natural first reaction, which is, of course, to say "whoa!" in true joey lawrence fashion. on the surface, all signs point to yes, good times are on the horizon. however, upon close examination, the apparent positive nature of this fortune become a bit hazy.

let's begin with the obvious statement: "thrilling time." okay, so that sounds good, but what kind of thrilling time is this fortune talking about? as far as i can see, there are three options:

option one: a veritable cavalcade of thrills, something along the lines of discovering that a mysterious, heretofore unknown multi-billionaire relative died and left me the entire fortune, thus allowing me to travel the world, party like a rock star, and finally pursue my ideal career, which is, of course, philanthropy.
option two: finding my other black shoe. see, i recently lost a black shoe (just the one. its mate is hanging out on my bedroom floor.) and finding it might thrill me in a fleeting "oh good, i found my other shoe" type of way, since i really like those shoes and wear them with great frequency.
option three: being chased down a dark alley by an ax-wielding psychopath. this could possibly be defined as thrilling, however, i'm not really sure that's the kind of thrilling time i'd be inclined to go for. because i'm lazy and i don't like running.

yes, okay. so now it's obvious that the blatant ambiguity of this fortune leads to multiple interpretations. and if i were the betting type, i'd put my money on option two. (by "my money" i mean "well, this is all hypothetical anyway.")

now, to the uninitiated fortune cookie analyst, it would seem that after the careful analysis of the "thrilling time" statement, the work with this particular fortune would be done. however, i am an initiated fortune cookie analyst, and therefore i know that we're just getting started here, kids. see, every fortune has a key word, one that is easily overlooked because of the more glamorous obvious statements the mystical slip of paper makes. yes.

in this case, the key word is "prospect." you know what a prospect is, don't you? it's an opportunity, a chance, and it is not a guarantee. no, prospects are like secret passageways in that you have to go around pushing on a lot of walls to find them. basically, this means that all the work is up to me. the prospect is there, but i have to find it, recognize it for what it is, and then make it into the aforementioned thrilling time. if you know me at all, you will be able to see how this is problematic, and if you don't know me at all, i will explain. in short, i am painfully oblivious and need to be hit over the head (not literally, please) before i get what's going on. in even shorter, i am not ever going to find my shoe.

Fortune B: He likes to flirt, but toward you his intentions are honorable.

oh good, that's a relief. i guess. except it leads to one overwhelmingly obvious question: "who is he?" huh. i will return to a statement i made a few sentences earlier about me being painfully oblivious and use that to explain that i don't know who this mythical creature is. cluelessness -- part of my charm since 1979.

right, okay. now that we've gotten the obvious portion out of the way, it's time to explore the really interesting bits of this fortune:

interesting bit #1: he likes to flirt -- hmmm. so what you're telling me, oh fortune cookie fortune, is that he's a ho. a mimbo. a rogue. a cad. similar in nature to rhett butler or leon phelps, the ladies' man. someone who will utter sentences like "but it didn't mean anything with her," which would, in turn, allow me to utter sentences like "this is... oh, you two know each other already." great! where do i sign up? well. wait, perhaps i'm being harsh. maybe he's not that bad. maybe he's just a tease.
interesting bit #2: but toward you his intentions are honorable -- ooooh! toward me his intentions are honorable! my goodness, that's flattering. i mean, although he's a charming slut/tease, toward me, he intends honorable things. this obviously needs some side analysis:
- interesting bit #2 subsection a: intentions. right. the thing with intentions is that they are only intentions. i mean, i intend to do all sorts of things, like pay my bills on time, for example, but that doesn't mean i do those things.
- interesting bit #2 subsection b: honorable. okay. this is nice, actually, but how are we going to define "honorable"? an old-fashioned definition might possibly include coming over for tea and then later taking me out for a drive in the surry with the fringe on top (not a euphemism). by today's standards, i don't even know what honorable means.

so okay, basically what i've got here is someone who, like r. kelly, doesn't see nothin' wrong with a little bump 'n' grind who will tell me, in the words of bobby brown, "ain't nobody humpin' around," but it will all be okay, because chicks and ducks and geese better scurry when he takes me out in his surry, when he takes me out in his surry with the fringe on top.

oh my. color me lucky!*

anyway, after the careful analysis of these two fortune cookie fortunes, i can make an accurate prediction for my 2004: i'm gonna be the girl with one black shoe, and i will also apparently be appearing in a production of oklahoma!

*not to be confused with color me badd.