jamelah.net

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

i have nothing to say anymore.





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Monday, May 27, 2002

so i just returned home from the party i was supposed to go to on friday that got moved to tonight. and i drank a lot. but didn't get the slightest bit drunk. i think that must mean that i have built up a ridiculously high alcohol tolerance... and i also think that probably means something bad about me.

oh, and it looks like i won't be going to iowa in june after all. i can't decide if i want to be mad about this or not.

maybe the next time i think about going somewhere, i should just research the cost of a plane ticket, then take the money that i'd spend on that plane ticket and set it on fire. just as productive, and it cuts out the middleman.





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Friday, May 24, 2002

ok, i'm not going to see star wars instead of going to the party tonight. i now have nothing to do. ah, the life of a 22-year-old girl... it's so glamorous.





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ok, i'm not going to a party tonight. so i'm going to see star wars instead. i somehow find it sort of sad that the only movies i ever actually go and see are the gigantic summer blockbusters.





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i'm going to a party tonight. it's a cast party for a play i wasn't in, but i know the director and he sent me a card yesterday asking me to come by. so i'm going. i hope there aren't a bunch of pretentious arty people around (i like arty people... i just hate pretentious arty people.) because if there are, i'll have to drink a lot and then i'll be unable to drive myself home. and as much as i love the idea of passing out on a couch at ed's house... yeah, um... no.

so i guess i'll have to scratch that whole drinking a lot thing.

i'm all grumpy again today. i think i need to stop having these latenight conversations with my mother. last night's topic: why i feel that prayer is pointless. and other god stuff. and more love stuff. and why i'm disappointed and bored with everything. i guess the thing is, i just don't want to think about these things. because every time i do, i end up back at the beginning and i feel that i'm never getting anywhere.

i'd better get my ass to work now.





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Thursday, May 23, 2002

just for the record:

simultaneously drinking warm diet coke from a 20-oz. bottle, sneezing, and coughing is not a good time. especially while wearing a white sweater.

and that is all.





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that conversation i had with my mother last night is still nagging me. i hate when things like that happen. i'm going to be mulling this one over for days, i have a feeling. thanks, mom. thanks a lot.





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last night my mother and i had a discussion about love. it managed to be both horrible and depressing. so that was fun.

i can't help the fact that i hate the idea of losing myself to another person. or finding myself through losing myself to another person. or whatever it is people get so excited about.

when i expressed this idea, my mother told me that i'd never receive love, either. and i said, "great, thanks. i'm going to bed." or something along those lines.

so i guess that means i'm well on my way to achieving my goal of being that crazy old lady wearing a housedress and waving a broom and yelling at the neighbor kids to stay out of her begonias.

you know, the lady who drives a periwinkle chevy impala and dies alone at the age of 73 with 50 cats.

i'm allergic to cats.

i can't win.





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Wednesday, May 22, 2002

my life as of right now:

listening: no show radio, "soulsmith" (yay, wes! now finish the cd.)
feeling: lethargic.
reading: zen buddhism essays by d.t. suzuki.
wanting: another cigarette.
wondering: if i made someone think i was a horrible person by telling the whole story. why boys have to be such heinous geeks.
waiting: for the weekend.
wanting: a nap. to go away from here. a piece of chocolate.
knowing: that tomorrow is another day. unless i die in my sleep.
hating: the fact that i've gotta take out the garbage soon.
loving: not being in a relationship.





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Tuesday, May 21, 2002

i was on t.v. today.
ok, yeah... so it was local cable and all of 12 people will see it...but still. it was kind of a lame experience, but i suppose that if i leave out any and all truth about the matter i can make it sound cool: "yeah hey, i was on t.v." uh huh. that sounds pretty good.

in other news, i'm finishing my collection of poetry tonight. i've been giving myself a week to finish it for the past three weeks. i think it's time i just made myself do it. of course, the problem is, i keep getting all this new material. and the old material keeps getting bumped and then re-added and then bumped again. because i'm way too indecisive for my own good.

but then again, to be fair to myself, it is a serious collection of my poetry. and i want the best stuff to be in it. so i guess it's ok that i change my mind a lot. though i do have to give myself a deadline and just go for it. so, um, deadline: today. i don't care if i get no sleep tonight... i will have the damn thing finished.

ok. i'm going to stop writing now so that i can go work on my book.





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Monday, May 20, 2002

my office is freezing cold. it's late may. it shouldn't be freezing cold.

the end.





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i find that i am constantly amazing myself. but generally not in a good way. i've uncovered a self-destructive streak. i suppose this is bad, but i figure that if i make it to old age, i'll have some great stories. i'll be the cool grandparent. "yeah, listen up grandkids... this one time your grandma was in this really sleazy bar drinking cheap scotch from unwashed glasses..."

digression: my boss is on the phone with me right this very minute. he's either driving somewhere, or in a swimming pool. i'm not sure which. it's just a weird sound. anyway, at least now i know that i will be spending my day today making copies and sorting out basketball registration forms. yay. oh, and i'll be writing a press release for an event i don't quite understand. i'd ask my boss questions, but i hate doing that. because my boss can't explain anything in a short period of time. he talks in circles about everything and punctuates his long discourses with a lot of "ummmmmmmm.......uhhhhhhhhhhhh......well, uhhhhhhhhh...." and who wants to listen to that for a half an hour?

the sad thing is, he's pretty much the nicest man in the world, so i feel like satan herself whenever i say anything about him. but i can't help it. truth is truth.

anyway, i'd better go brush my teeth and head off to the office so that i can get to work on all those thrilling things i have to work on today. though i seriously think i'll see if i can come home this afternoon to do the writing. there's something about being in that office that causes me to spaz out and stare at the wall for hours. i don't know what it is. it's not like the paneling is all that interesting.





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ok. i know this guy who is a completely crazy bastard. i didn't think it was possible for him to be any more of a crazy bastard than i perceived him as, but i recently found out that i was wrong. he's worse. it's amazing, really. like, if this guy put as much effort into actually doing something with himself as he does whining and being a completely crazy bastard, he'd probably rule the world right now. but of course, that would be really, really bad. i mean, he is a crazy bastard and all.





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Sunday, May 19, 2002

today...
ugh. i have nothing and so much to say all at the same time.

i had a racy dream about a friend of mine last night. i hate when things like that happen. because it's not like i can tell him. unless i felt like dying of embarrassment. i just wish i could stop thinking about it... but damn. it was really really racy.





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Thursday, May 16, 2002

yeah, i should be working. i'm supposed to be helping my boss write a proposal about... something. using a school building for some programs because children who participate in after school programs do better in life statistically, i guess. i don't know. i was sorta tuning him out, as i do... because as i've said earlier, i have a listening problem.





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Wednesday, May 15, 2002

i can't believe i forgot to write about this yesterday. oy.

anyway. i frequent a local gas station to buy gas. and cigarettes. and sometimes those little debbie zebra cake things. but i'm digressing already. anyway. (again.) i had this horrific three hour meeting last night. and when i got out, i drove to the gas station to buy a pack of smokes. and the guy was working. i don't know if i've talked about the guy before... but he's....weird.

so i walk in and ask for a pack of smokes and he cards me. i hand over my driver's license and he stares at it for about three whole minutes and just says "wow. what a birthday." (yes, my birthday is september eleventh.) and i just stare at him and say, "yeah. it was great. can i have my driver's license back?"

he stares at me strangely. "are you ok? you seem a little shaky."

"i'm fine."

he raised an eyebrow at me.

"it's been a long day. i'm ok, seriously."

"you sure?"

"yes."

but see... here's the thing. he's carded me about eleven million times. and each time he stares at my license and makes some asinine comment about how i'm so unfortunate to have been born on september eleventh. and then i have to come up with some retort about how i should've had more foresight back in the womb and waited an extra 15 minutes so that i'd have been born on the twelfth.

i don't get it. this has to be the most annoying series of verbal exchanges i've had in my life. every time i walk up to the doors of the gas station and see him working, i curse because i know what's coming.

life is so unfair. all i want to do is slowly destroy myself by inhaling burning rat poison and rocket fuel rolled up in a little tube of tobacco and paper. i don't want to talk about my birthday woes with gas station guy.

(besides... out of all the bad birthdays i've had, this one wasn't even the worst. 17.... now that one sucked.)





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in about twenty minutes, i will leave this place for lunch. i'll probably have a few cigarettes, a can of diet coke, and maybe a cookie. because i am all about healthy living. oh, wait. no, i'm not.

case in point: two seconds ago, i was eating a piece of laffy taffy. i hate laffy taffy, because a) the jokes on the wrappers are stupid, and b) it tastes like fruit-flavored plastic. but i was eating a piece of it because, well, it was there. and somehow, dork that i am, i managed to inhale a miniscule piece of it. yes. inhale. i had a horrific coughing fit. had tears running down my face. i got it loose enough so that i can now breathe, but i can still feel it down there.

i'm going to die with a bit of laffy taffy stuck in my windpipe. ah, life.

now it hurts to breathe. yay.

and see, the thing is... incidents like this happen to me all the time. last night, i went into the kitchen to get a glass of water, and i somehow ran into the wall, then (this still perplexes me) i tripped over something, went flying forward into the living room, and poured water all over my leg. it's a skill. it has to be a skill.

right?

so anyway, yeah. i can see it now... i'm going to die by the age of 35, but not of something tragic and horrible... i'll die from some ridiculous thing i did to myself. and people will be laughing about it for years. i'll become an urban legend. all because i'm a klutzy dork.





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Tuesday, May 14, 2002

so last night i bought some plane tickets. i'm officially getting out of here for a grand total of about three days. but it counts. i'm really happy about this because, well... you ever feel like if you have to stay in one place long enough you'll really lose your mind? i've been feeling that way about here for about a year and a half now, ever since i came back from living in venice and discovered that the world is a big place and it gets exponentially more interesting and exciting the further you are away from your hometown.

anyway, i'm going to iowa for those three days. i've been through iowa several times on cross-country roadtrips so i know it's still similar to michigan in that the majestic, sweeping landscape is full of a lot of corn and soybeans. i wonder if they grow onions and alfalfa in iowa too. they grow them here. but i'm digressing. i'm going to visit kate. yep, i'm finally going to meet this girl that i started talking to what seems like forever ago. someone told me i should be nervous about traveling all that way to meet someone i started talking to online, but i just laughed. if this person only knew what happened to me the last time i met someone from the online world, then they'd know that i have nothing to fear. no experience could possibly be worse than that.

besides which, kate is my soul twin, and i seriously doubt that she'll go insane and try to destroy my life. in fact, i'm certain that this trip is going to be incredibly fun.

i leave in three weeks.

i'm also trying to figure out how to financially swing a trip to new york in august. levi said he was having a poetry reading there sometime in august, and it would be really cool to be a part of that, i think. i'd like to go, and somehow work in philadelphia at the same time. yeah, i'd love to go visit sarah. because she's awesome and we generally have a lot of fun. or we get bored and stare at each other and talk about how we're not having any fun at all. either or. but i'd like to get out and see her so we can talk about how post-albion college life is absolutely grand and all of that.

nothing on the horizon as far as a meaningless summer fling goes... i saw a guy on saturday who was absolutely beautiful and who i wouldn't mind having a meaningless summer fling with, but he lives in ann arbor. and i have no idea what his name is. but he's really damn gorgeous.

there's this guy i used to work with a couple of summers ago named kevin who just got a divorce and who apparently has a crush on me. my mom keeps jokingly telling me that if i want to have a meaningless fling, i should go for kevin.... but i say, "ummm...no." for one thing, he's about 38, and for another thing he's kevin, and for yet another thing... well... yeah, um.... no.





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Monday, May 13, 2002

ok.
it's monday. and it feels like one.
the sky is gray and the clouds are hanging still.
i'd like a nap.
i'm having a hard time typing right now...
today i've been an idiot all damn day. i got bubblegum on my chin. i poured diet coke all over my desk... i had to carry 6 reams of paper from the office supply store back here and i have a feeling that i appeared like a completly idiotic oaf as i walked down the street.

i've also discovered that i have a listening problem. i can't seem to make myself listen to my boss when he's telling me important things, such as "you need to do this today or i'll stab you." (except he'd never say that, but you get the point.) i totally tune him out. i sit there, i nod, i even sometimes take random notes, like... "write a list of times" but that doesn't mean anything. sad thing is, i'm sure that was supposed to mean something and that list of times is probably really important.

i'm such a spaz.





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Sunday, May 12, 2002

hm.
i did some minor site updating today. ah, boredom is the mother of productivity. or staring at walls. either or, really.

i just slammed me knee into my desk. it hurts like a sonofabitch. however a sonofabitch hurts....i'm not really sure.

here's something stupid i just did: i lit a cigarette and put it down in the ashtray, and in so doing, i noticed that i already had a lit cigarette in the ashtray. i'm having a rough day.





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i went to pier 1 today to buy some picture frames so that i could finally hang up some art that was sent to me by my artist friend cecil back in march. it was time to do something about the fact that the 8x10s have been sitting in the package pretty much since i got them.

anyway, i'm hoping that i can find a reasonably good job by august so that i can afford to move sometime in the fall. to me, that seems like a good deal. i don't quite know where i'd move to... i need to get out of this city. out of this house. into something, some place, that's my own.

there's always richmond. my uncle keeps telling me that if i'd move down there, he'd find me some kind of good job. of course, i need a good job before i can afford to move to richmond. it's a vicious cycle, really.

there's always the chance that i could meet an independently wealthy boy between now and august....

ha.

no there isn't.

anyway, now that i have the frames, i think i should probably go and hang the pictures on my wall somewhere. work, work, work.





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Friday, May 10, 2002

friday....

yay. ok, so i was going to go to ann arbor tonight, but stacy and i executively decided that we would wait and go in the morning. so now i need to come up with some sort of friday night plan. i've got 40 bucks until next friday. this is problematic, since i'm a lush and 40 bucks isn't going to keep me in the lifestyle to which i've become accustomed.

it's 11:20 right now. that gives me several hours to come up with something.

and can i just say that this morning has been terrible? i can? thanks. i think i'm going mental.





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Thursday, May 09, 2002

here's the terrible thing. i find that i miss someone i shouldn't. (and no, not the psycho... you couldn't pay me to miss him. for good reason.) this is annoying me, because i realize that it's a bad idea, and i'm trying to shut this off, but somehow it's not working. i'll give myself a couple of weeks. perhaps these things take time.

i know i said this earlier, but i find that i am in a mood today. i usually write my way out of them, but i'm finding that i'm sorta blocked today. i can't even write a poem decent enough to qualify as "shitty". ok, i'm going to stop this now. perhaps i'll come back to it later. perhaps not.

eh.





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today i just feel pissed off and grumpy about everything. always nice when that happens.
i've got three weeks to find some sort of part time job to supplement my part time job this summer. ugh. it's been a neverending job search since last march. and i still haven't found anything permanent. i swear, i should've just gone to grad school. then i'd be in a different city and when people ask about what i'm doing with my life, i could say, "well, i'm pursuing my education. yes, i'm getting yet ANOTHER useless college degree. but this time i have to write a gigantic thesis."

sounds swell. maybe i'll go to grad school next year.

i really need to find a good job so that i can buy some stuff and move the hell away from here. i hate where i live more and more with each passing day. i'm 22. it's time to start living like a real live adult, don't you think?

(of course, that "you" is merely figurative. i realize that in this journal, i'm completely talking to myself.)





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Wednesday, May 08, 2002

did i or did i not say that i'd be pissed if my underwear wasn't dry this morning forcing me to pick a pair out of the dryer and blowdry them?

i did?

i swear to god, i must be a fucking prophet. because that's exactly what happened. i hate that little retarded dryer that takes three hours to dry a load of laundry.

ok, i'd better appear to be working now.





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Tuesday, May 07, 2002

ok, so what's there to tell? i've had to design this brochure for work. but not a brochure in the simple, tri-fold sense. no, no. i'm talking about three sheets of paper printed on both sides, folded and stapled in the middle. a twelve page brochure. it's not been fun. i wouldn't have minded so much if i hadn't had to change the thing daily for the past week and a half. but since i have had to change the thing daily for the past week and a half, i do mind.

but today (after about 12 more changes.... indecisiveness in others kills me.) i finished it. yay.

i also got a package in the mail from my friend jessica in australia today. yep. i got an orange koala stapler. (and a pen, an eraser, a notepad, and a stuffed koala wearing an "i heart australia" t-shirt.) i can't get over how cool that is.

i'm currently in the middle of about 900 loads of laundry. it was getting bad. i don't know why i have such an aversion to doing laundry on a consistent basis... so that i can avoid having to spend two weeks washing all of my clothes and wearing insanely dressy outfits to work. eh. i tell myself to get organized and to stop procrastinating, but i'm beginning to believe that such a thing is absolutely impossible for a girl like me.

oh well. we can't all be organized and punctual. that would be boring.

eh.
i think i'm going to go to bed and read. i hope my underwear dries before morning. i'll be pissed if i have to pick a damp pair out of the dryer at 8 a.m. and blowdry them so that they're wearable.....





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sometimes i wonder why i bother updating this daily. i have this sneaking suspicion that nobody ever reads it.





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Monday, May 06, 2002

i just wrote a thoughtful blog and then somehow had an idiot moment (i have those a lot) and closed the blogger window before i saved it.

it's at times like these when i hate myself.





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Sunday, May 05, 2002

sunday evening.
yeah.
it's been a gorgeous weekend. today we bought a ton of flowers (56 dollars worth) and i just now got finished planting them. i know that gardening is typically a middle aged woman's hobby, but i love it. something about putting young plants in the ground and taking care of them and watching them flourish is immensely satisfying.

i don't have anything interesting at all to say.

hoy es el cinco de mayo.

ok. i updated. i'm gonna go wash the dirt from under my fingernails now.





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Friday, May 03, 2002

so i'm going to see spiderman tonight. i hope it's cool and un-lame. though isn't toby maguire playing spiderman? i... have relatively mixed feelings about him.

this is stupid, but i'm posting it anyway. because i can.





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it's friday and i've got a shitload of filing to do. yay.

it's 2:20 p.m. and the day has already been quite an adventure. let's see...
had to work some more on that goddamn brochure. i think this was the final set of changes that needed to be made. i'm going to hope. if someone hands me another copy of it with red pen on it, i will hurt them.

my mom sent me a profanity-ridden e-mail calling me a fuckhead. that was nice.

i'm still waiting on my boss to return from a meeting so that i can get my paycheck. i am starving. goddamnit.

i made some copies. printed some stuff. i've been chewing this piece of gum for about an hour and my jaw is starting to hurt. what else? hmmm... wrote a poem... and that's about it.

so i guess i'll get to the filing now. i mean, it's not like i can go to lunch or anything.

boo.

perhaps i'll have something happier to report later. i hope so. jesus. it's fucking friday.





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Thursday, May 02, 2002

ok. so i'm a little bit more awake, after smoking about a pack and a half of cigarettes and ingesting approximately 8 cans of diet coke. god... i need to quit it. i'm wired and my mouth tastes like an ashtray. i've brushed my teeth three times today, but it's just....

icky.

so, today:
got up at 8 after not nearly enough sleep. scrambled to get to work, only to get sent home to finish the brochure that i thought i had finished yesterday. spent a great deal of time either waiting on my boss to email me the information i needed to get my work done, or swearing at the computer because things just weren't working the way they were supposed to be.

and that was basically it. all day. waiting and swearing. swearing and waiting. waiting and...

ok, i think you have the idea.

anyway, i feel like i may be getting a cold or the flu or something. i will be quite angry if that's the case. but my throat's a little scratchy and my joints and muscles ache. (i'll just ignore the fact that i've been living the life of a lush for the past couple of weeks... drinking, chain smoking, and not sleeping...)

feh.

i wish that i could get some sleep tonight, but i'm on deadline for that newsletter (actually way way way past deadline) so i'll be up all night laying that damn thing out. maybe tomorrow night i'll get some sleep. i can only hope... of course, i have some friends graduating on saturday, so i may be at the bar tomorrow.... eh. i'll sleep eventually. i'm young, i don't need rest, right?

i'm bothered about this boy.... i don't really want to talk about it, so i shouldn't have even brought it up, and why i'm not deleting this is beyond me, but.... eh. i swore off relationships. i need to stop it.





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what is it about being tired that is actually physically painful? when i don't sleep, as i didn't last night, my body hurts. it's weird.

i'm sitting here thinking all the things i could be writing down, but i'm too tired to type them. this must not be a good time to do this...





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Wednesday, May 01, 2002

today has not been such a good day. i choose to blame it all on my computer.

fuckin' technology.

now that i've gotten that out of the way, i just want to say... i'm going to perform a piece i wrote at this thing in june... well... it's sorta written, i have to finish it. i think i could turn it into a whole play... a series of monologues. that could be cool. or not. i don't know.

i'm also trying to finish the publication of my first ever book of poetry. well... i'm publishing it myself... the layout is driving me nuts... every time i think i'm close, i realize that i'm not. anyway, i'm giving myself one week to be done. one week. that's it.

i think i'm done now...





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it's may first. how the hell did that happen? it seriously seems like it should be the end of february. of course, march and april brought all sort of insanity into my life, and i guess that sorta thing makes time fly.

anyway. it's a new month. i've made some resolutions:


yeah, that's enough.

oh, and... i've been mulling something over for the past day...
ok. you ever use someone to get somewhere or something and then realize down the road that the person was using you too? and that's what makes you feel like shit?

god. sometimes i think about the things i've done and have the feeling that i'm a terrible person.





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